Moan for me like Helen Keller
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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