just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
