Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
