So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
