There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
