Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
