I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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