I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
