You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
