Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
what day is it and did you see me today?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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