That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
