i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
