OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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