Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
