Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
