Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
