my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
