Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
