stop calling my apartment porn island.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
