I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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