Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
