Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
