I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
