2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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