Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
