My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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