I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
