he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
