I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
