Duck Duck Cougar?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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