i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
pop tarts are not kleenex
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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