you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
