Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
