in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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