You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
