He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
