the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
