I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
