dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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