To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
