Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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