have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Can Purell be used as lube?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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