If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
