Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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