Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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