I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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