listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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