You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
