Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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