literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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